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Post by AA on Aug 16, 2015 17:35:01 GMT
Divorce Proceedings A salesman was testifying in his divorce case against his wife. "Please describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity" said his attorney. "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week" the man testified "so naturally when I'm home I'm attentive to my wife but one Sunday morning when we were into some heavy love-making the old lady next door banged on the wall and yelled "Can't you at least stop all that racket at the weekends?!"
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Post by AA on Aug 20, 2015 18:15:02 GMT
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees That Johnny isn't paying attention so she asks him "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence and you shoot one how many are left?" Johnny says "None." The teacher asks why? and Johnny says "Because the shot scared them off." The teacher says.. "No, two, but I like the way you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour and one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher replied "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring.. but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Post by AA on Sept 9, 2015 16:17:25 GMT
Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the nearest store and say to the shop assistant "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The assistant replies "Which Barbie?.. We have Barbie goes to the gym for £19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for £19.95, Barbie goes shopping for £19.95, Barbie goes nightclubbing for £19.95 and divorced Barbie for £265.00." Ralph asks "Why is divorced Barbie £265 when all the others are only £19.95?" "That's obvious" says the assistant.. "divorced Barbie come's with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture....."
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Post by AA on Oct 3, 2015 10:49:47 GMT
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any!
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Post by AA on Oct 26, 2015 20:28:57 GMT
Of course women don't work as hard as men...
They get it right the first time!
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Post by AA on Dec 1, 2015 19:45:30 GMT
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the wife looked up from a window display and, surprised, noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset. She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone and called her husband to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?" His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, overwhelmed that he had remembered her dream. She began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..." "Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it" !
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Post by spacecucumber on Dec 1, 2015 20:05:08 GMT
I had a dog called Minton. He ate a shuttlecock. Bad Minton.
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Post by AA on Dec 1, 2015 20:23:03 GMT
I just received my tax return back for 2014 from the tax man and I'm puzzled!! They are questioning me on how many dependants P claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependants"?
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 1 million unemployed people, 2 million people in prison, half the Indian sub-continent and 645 persons in Parliament"
Evidently this was not an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF .. WHO DID I MISS?
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Post by AA on Dec 12, 2015 1:00:50 GMT
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved
matter,” in Klingon.
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Post by AA on Jan 24, 2016 15:18:29 GMT
Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
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Post by AA on Mar 12, 2016 11:56:49 GMT
As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes her clothing and asks "Is there someone on this plan who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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Post by AA on Mar 15, 2016 2:07:18 GMT
10 Facts about you:
1. You're reading this now 2. You're realising that this is a stupid fact 4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3 5. You're checking now 6. You're smiling 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid 9. You didn't realise I skipped number 8 10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again 11. You're enjoying this 12. You didn't realise I said 10 facts not 12
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Post by AA on Oct 1, 2016 17:13:46 GMT
I asked a Chinese girl for her number and she said "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!" Then her friend said "She means 666-329"
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Post by AA on Jan 9, 2017 0:33:00 GMT
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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