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Post by AA on Jun 9, 2015 14:22:31 GMT
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew!
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Post by AA on Jun 12, 2015 18:31:22 GMT
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
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Post by woodmouse on Jun 12, 2015 21:06:06 GMT
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're that bit of string, aren't you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot
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Post by AA on Jun 13, 2015 19:56:14 GMT
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Post by woodmouse on Jun 16, 2015 18:35:45 GMT
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.
They're usually about 90 degrees.
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Post by woodmouse on Jun 16, 2015 18:36:28 GMT
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
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Post by AA on Jun 16, 2015 22:41:39 GMT
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off.." Because" he said "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer"
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Post by AA on Jun 27, 2015 14:01:42 GMT
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
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Post by AA on Jun 28, 2015 17:15:00 GMT
How do you get a sweet 80 year old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo!"
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Post by AA on Jul 2, 2015 15:05:48 GMT
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
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Post by meltingmom on Jul 2, 2015 15:10:54 GMT
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18." Emma - your jokes are not bad at all . . . a few are rather naughty, but not bad.
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Post by AA on Jul 2, 2015 16:43:19 GMT
Pricey Lingerie
An almost blind man walked into a ladies lingerie shop to buy his wife the most see-through item. After receiving some help from the shop assistant he bought a lacey nightie forĀ£500 and took it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realised it didn't quite fit so she figured that as he was almost blind he wouldn't notice if she wore nothing at all. She came downstairs completely naked and after giving her a big hug the old man said " For the amount I paid they could have at least ironed it!"
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Post by AA on Jul 4, 2015 11:59:11 GMT
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed.. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
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Post by AA on Jul 26, 2015 14:06:49 GMT
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Post by jackiesolo on Aug 16, 2015 11:28:48 GMT
A horse walks into a bar. The barman said " why the long face ? "
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